Doing the Right Thing

…isn’t always easy as demonstrated by this powerful testimony from an illustrator who wishes to stay anonymous out of fear for the repercussions for her career of not speaking up. We salute her courage, and hope one day we can be in a position that raising legitimate concerns about books like this won’t be career-ending.

The day my Agent sent me a prospective picture book text from a Trans Author, I didn’t sleep a wink that night. It was a text about how very young children (around 4 years) can change their sex and that this should be considered normal and celebrated. I knew instantly that I couldn’t take this book on. However, how to tell my Agent? She knew my schedule so I couldn’t just say I was too busy. I honestly had no idea if my Agent held the same viewpoint. I suspected she did. Most Agents do (or say they do). My Agent had some very vocal Trans activists as clients who had already shown their teeth publicly. I didn’t sleep as I thought my career might be over for saying why I didn’t like this book, that I was concerned about the confusion and harm caused in young children being told that changing sex is somehow as easy as changing socks.

As it happens my Agent was very supportive. She was the first person I told of my concerns outside of secret online groups. “Everyone is terrified to say anything” she said “Some of the more experienced staff gather in secret corners and whisper. There’s a huge fear amongst everyone in even asking a question”. We talked a lot. She agreed she would make my excuses in declining the book without rocking the boat. However, she pleaded with me to not speak publicly. I was so relieved that I hadn’t been instantly dumped that I agreed gladly!

This happened approximately 5 years ago. Since then, I have entered a long self-silence. I have quietly walked away from conversations at Publishing events, my heart racing, when people have declared JK Rowling on a scale of being “problematic” to being an “evil bitch”. No-one has yet noticed my lack of enthusiasm. It makes me feel weak and unprincipled to constantly not speak, not challenge. I’m not proud of myself at all. I’m the major wage earner in my household. I feel like I walk on eggshells many days, waiting to be outed as one of those terrible bigots who believe that sex is real and immutable.

The book I turned down is now proudly displayed regularly and prominently in the LGBTQA display at every Waterstones. At least I didn’t have to be part of it.

In the last year I have found my own allies whispering in our own new corners. These corners are getting bigger, but the fear still looms large.

Anon